These Four Rooms

It always takes me a bit long to adjust to being completely alone. I don’t always have to be around people I’m just so damn use to it. Its irritating though, when my independence is tested. I could spend hours locked away writing or reading. I found a way to piece peacefulness from commotion and noise, probably because I had to. Till this day I can read quietly in a noisy room hence the training. I don’t mind in a way but I am bothered at how content I am without any forms of communication with the outside world. Beside my cell phone (which barely counts, the screen has been broken for months and I can only see in daylight). I have yet to go through a series of any deep epiphany. I’m just not there yet (if that’s a place I’ll ever be). I love the company of others. I don’t like to hear myself talk, honestly, but I can carry on a lonnnng drawn out conversation. I love a room full of laughing people (as long as I’m in on the jokes) and I adore debates. I discovered something about myself which is more important then what I know I enjoy most. What I hold more dear than conversation, and what I put on my own crystal pedestal. Is the option to be surrounded.

LORD!

I was starting to think that I hated my family and I wanted to be far away for as long as possible. I thought I was beginning to hate my bf’s face. At some point I deemed myself anti-social and one of those people who claim they hate other people. I was traveling back and fourth and was forced to cram a week’s events into a weekend. Tiresome I was and routine was messing with psyche. Its something about routine that does not cut it for me. I always question EVERYTHING when something doesn’t change. 

From this I discovered I needed space to breath on a constant, not when I need it and not when I am at a lost for air. But I need a chance to think in my own space without someone else’s voice. The judgement that happens within my own mind is not only isolated from the worlds opinion on me. But I can allow myself to think at an easier pace because I am completely alone. No irritated interruptions , no forced conversations, and no distracting media. I can except things much easier and it doesn’t bother me.

Its a miracle.

But i know it won’t last long. So I will take my hour long baths with no worry and eat eat eat.