These Four Rooms

It always takes me a bit long to adjust to being completely alone. I don’t always have to be around people I’m just so damn use to it. Its irritating though, when my independence is tested. I could spend hours locked away writing or reading. I found a way to piece peacefulness from commotion and noise, probably because I had to. Till this day I can read quietly in a noisy room hence the training. I don’t mind in a way but I am bothered at how content I am without any forms of communication with the outside world. Beside my cell phone (which barely counts, the screen has been broken for months and I can only see in daylight). I have yet to go through a series of any deep epiphany. I’m just not there yet (if that’s a place I’ll ever be). I love the company of others. I don’t like to hear myself talk, honestly, but I can carry on a lonnnng drawn out conversation. I love a room full of laughing people (as long as I’m in on the jokes) and I adore debates. I discovered something about myself which is more important then what I know I enjoy most. What I hold more dear than conversation, and what I put on my own crystal pedestal. Is the option to be surrounded.

LORD!

I was starting to think that I hated my family and I wanted to be far away for as long as possible. I thought I was beginning to hate my bf’s face. At some point I deemed myself anti-social and one of those people who claim they hate other people. I was traveling back and fourth and was forced to cram a week’s events into a weekend. Tiresome I was and routine was messing with psyche. Its something about routine that does not cut it for me. I always question EVERYTHING when something doesn’t change. 

From this I discovered I needed space to breath on a constant, not when I need it and not when I am at a lost for air. But I need a chance to think in my own space without someone else’s voice. The judgement that happens within my own mind is not only isolated from the worlds opinion on me. But I can allow myself to think at an easier pace because I am completely alone. No irritated interruptions , no forced conversations, and no distracting media. I can except things much easier and it doesn’t bother me.

Its a miracle.

But i know it won’t last long. So I will take my hour long baths with no worry and eat eat eat.

If I had to choose a blog of my favorite it would be this one. Out of the 60 that I have I am sure this one speaks to me the most. 

Fears

List your biggest fears. 

I’m not exactly scared of failing but I’m scared of not fulfilling all that I want to and have planned. My goals and achievements all play into each other and work as counter parts. So for me to not complete them is scary as hell. I have too much to other to let my goals go to waist.

I have tried to face them but I just can not, my life stops when I come across water bugs. I can not deal with them. There was one time I spent 2 hours trying to kill one, it was around 2 in the morning and I was going back and fourth with one. I have never had to experience one inside my house until I moved to Philadelphia. There is a small opening in my fire place and I believe it got in through there. I am too overwhelmed I will go around the block to avoid crossing paths with one. 

Habits

A habit you didn’t wish you possessed? 

I still bite my nails like I have no self control. When Im stressed they fall off after growing out so strong and lovely. But when they try to grow in again I have a habit of nibbling for comfort. I wish I didnt have to deal with it to begin with. Its pretty difficult to break a habit you’ve had since birth. It sucks for me to feel 100% confident with every thing except my hands. They make pictures look terrible, in most of mine you can clearly noticing me trying to hide them. If you get a peep you can see the peeling skin. Its more disgusting in person. 

I wonder what would my life be like if I kicked the habit earlier in life, would I have still pick it back up? Would my nails be long and strong? 

I have many other habits but that for me is the worst because it shows in my physical appearance and I cant hide that. 

Last year

Have you changed in the last year?

To my knowledge I am exactly the same which a few nooks and crannies filled in. I have grown tremendously as we all should every year. I’m always bent on changing and reinforcing your mindset because that will ultimately determine your growth. It will control what your doing and where you are going. I would like to always be able to update my mindset for the better or downgrade it if needed to.

I have found a way to tolerate more from people because of my patience level. I really still need to work on that. I think everyone should always work on their patience and tolerance. It will really help your own stress levels and make you feel better when people know they can come to you. 

As always I’ve been working on me which it a never ending work of art and process. But as far as what has changed about me from last year I can say my tolerance. 

Post an old picture of yourself

Anything unconventional was what I went for, not because I was trying so hard to be against what everyone was doing. But I genuinely hated how my peers dressed. It was always whack to me. I believe I was in 8th or 9th grade.

I finally got with the program and brought some leather pants, just a minor outfit but I’ll get there. If you can see the painting in the back and the details on the flowers. I genuinely wanted to take a picture with this painting, the artist walked away so I sneaked one in.

I’m suppose to be a neat freak

but I almost ALWAYS get food on my clothes and I won’t even know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me it looks like I’m not fed at home. I’m considering buying a adult bib for myself lol its so ridiculous sometimes. You know that person who lies and say they just got that stain on their shirt/pants that morning well I wasn’t lying.

I never understand…

when someone tried to tackle what someone thought of them. Why in the world would I ask someone why they hate me, I would probably burst out laughing from their answer and reasoning. I understand how misunderstanding happens when it comes to reading  me. I openly express how I have multiple personalities and I support different people. But what can I expect from someones thoughts on me when they never had a conversation with me, never hung with me in the privacy of my own home, yeah you probably read my blog and laughed at my sarcastic face book statuses but chances are that you are so wrong about me so give up trying to figure it out.

I haven’t took a picture in a dressing room in years because I don’t try on clothes…I’m just that lazy